SNOW IN NASHVILLE
I was sitting at the taco shop where I normally spend weekends working, but this time I was a customer. It was a warm day so the garage doors were open and I could feel the breeze. I watched families play in the grass out front. It was Sunday and Sundays meant that not only were there brunch tacos on the menu but that Austin our back of house manager would usually play the bluegrass station. All day. I think it make him happier to have it on while he cooked tacos on the grill. He’s definitely never admitted that anyone but as the next song came on and I took my seat I looked over to see him singing along to himself as he flipped tortillas and I smiled knowing it was true.
I was sitting at an empty table writing in my journal as my tacos arrived. I was mid bite as the handsome man to my right started talking to me. He had noticed I was chatting with the staff as I ordered and ate and asked if I worked there too. I nodded yes, smiling in between bites, trying to chew with my mouth closed.
He was Australian. In his 30’s and in school about to become an equine vet. He was passing through the area and stopped in for tacos on his drive home to Raleigh. I listened to his accent, nodding at every word as he told me about his life. I finished my bite and said something quickly in response to his future job title, unintentionally making him laugh. I liked that I did. Our conversation continued. He dove right in and asked me my story, wanting to know all the details. He seemed to really want to get to know me.
I wanted to believe him.
I started with NYC, lighting up as I described the path that got me here, to Greenville South Carolina and to this taco shop, next to this handsome man. It seemed that he lit up too as he heard it. Was he flirting with me? His eyes smiled at every question he asked. I smiled back. I didn’t know for certain but I was definitely flirting with him.
Our eyes were still locked as he crumpled his napkin and placed it in his basket, the ceremonial way to signal the finish of his meal. He told me he had to hit the road as as he got up and moved close enough to me that I thought this was going to be the part of the rom-com where he gives me his number and we ride off into the sunset together on his horse (because he’s an equine vet after all). Instead, he smiled in the direction of the register and said, “After I leave would you do me a favor? Your coworker over there has the most beautiful smile. I’ve been admiring it the whole time I’ve been here. Would you mind letting her know for me?”
She did.
My heart sunk.
My smile faded.
I looked up at him as he was looking over at her. My eyes started to fill up with tears. I was relieved he couldn’t tell but when I realized he didn’t I wanted him to know. It stung.
When I told him that he should tell her that himself he shrugged and said he wasn’t brave enough to.
In that moment I knew there wasn’t a statement more true.
We said goodbye and as he rode off into the sunset solo I crumpled up my napkin as well signaling the end of my meal. I grabbed the napkin and headed to the bathroom to dry my eyes with it, wondering if he ever saw my smile.
__________________________
It was a busy morning at the coffee shop, the kind I loved, where every seat was filled but it still didn’t feel too crowded. Familiar faces surrounded me.
The gray weather outside hugged us like a warm blanket. It was cozy.
I was at the espresso machine making drinks, talking with customers. A tall dark haired man waited for his drink at the end of the counter. As we locked eyes he smiled at me. I smiled back, quickly, thinking it was just pleasantries, waiting for him to turn and walk towards the door.
He remained there and kept looking at me, still smiling. He asked me how my day was going. I felt like he actually wanted to know.
I wanted to believe him.
I could tell he wasn’t a regular. I liked that he wasn’t. We started talking and continued long after his drink and name had been called. I continued to make drinks, we continued to talk. I felt the eyes of my other coworkers on me as we did, hopeful, already thinking this was a classic meet cute that turns into something more.
He excitedly told me about his trip and plans for the weekend while he was in town. He asked to follow me on Instagram. I followed back. He liked me right?
I know my coworkers thought so. We wrapped up our conversation and he leaned over the counter to grab my hand and say goodbye. His hand was warm. After he squeezed my hand he then introduced himself to my two other coworkers who stood beside me, and were waiting for him to leave so we could giggle and discuss every detail about him the moment the door closed behind him. He moved his glance away from me and towards my one coworker on the end. She had been in the corner doing dishes for most of our conversation. He smiled at her and introduced himself. He then effortlessly and bolding said to her, “I normally don’t do this, but you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in my life.” He has definitely done that before.
She was.
My heart sunk.
My smile faded.
I felt like I had been punched in the gut as I looked at him as he looked at her.
I excused myself and went to the bathroom. My eyes filled with tears as I thought about the last time I heard a man say anything like that to me.
Never.
Ever?
My tears started to flow.
Never.
Realizing I never had, I knew I wanted to hear those words so badly wondering if I ever would.
I unfollowed him on Instagram.
__________________________
Then one day when I wasn’t looking for anything from a man, I met one. I was in Nashville for the weekend. It was cold and gray and smelled like snow. I planned to spend my days in coffee shops, writing, feeling inspired. I started to write down some thoughts that day on beauty in my journal.
I bundled up and left the coffee shop with thoughts of someone else on my mind, waiting for my Uber to arrive.
And there he was. I liked his salt and pepper hair and the orange flannel he wore. We hit it off. He was charming and funny but so was I and unlike the times before this one I had courage to ask him out. He said yes.
It started snowing the night we went out and continued coming down, sticking to everything it touched as we stood in a nearly empty parking lot outside of a nearly empty bar after that first date. It started to accumulate on the ground and my feet left a trail of footprints as we walked to his car. It felt like a rare moment, almost as rare as that southern snow falling around us.
He held my hand and told me I was beautiful.
Finally.
I could see his breath as he said it. The thing I thought I wanted to hear. Or thought I needed to hear.
I really wanted to believe him.
My eyes started to fill up with tears. I smiled. The snowflakes falling around us kissed my eyelashes as he kissed me.
Then one day a couple months later that Nashville romance came to an end with a text. “I hope you’ve had a great day, but …”
He started seeing someone else.
It stung.
“I think you’re a really great lady...”
She was there, I was here.
My heart sunk.
My smile faded.
But I was used to that. It seems there’s usually someone else.
But I wasn’t used to feeling beautiful.
On a hard night when I wondered why and questioned all the things he had said before to me that I wanted to hear so badly, I went to my bathroom. With tears clinging to my eyes like those snowflakes to my eyelashes that beautiful, Nashville night not too long ago, I turned on the light. I stood there looking in the mirror at the reflection of a woman who just wanted to hear she was beautiful and know it’s true.
To believe it.
Feeling completely cracked wide open and uncomfortable with vulnerability I realized: I had never been made to feel beautiful from a man in my life, but it’s not up to the man is it?
I took a deep breath.
“You’re beautiful.” I slowly and lovingly said to my reflection looking back at me.
Finally.
“You’re beautiful.”
I heard it. I smiled.
“You’re beautiful.”
I was.
“You’re beautiful.”
I believed her.
